It's been a weird week.
It started Tuesday. I was awakened by the doorbell. One of our church members had passed away. My phone was in the living room so my husband and I slept through several attempts to contact us. As a fairly new pastor's wife I feel responsible for the folks in our church. (I also felt pretty guilty for being so hard to get ahold of.) I have grown in my love and respect for each one of them. We have had four funerals in our first nine months of service and each one hurt deeply.
Sammi was sick on Wednesday. She is also very clingy knowing I will be gone to teen camp next week.
Summer is drawing to a close and the hopeful to do list I created is still way too full.
Several other church members are having health issues and I feel guilty for not contacting them as well as concerned about their situations.
I'm worried about teen camp next week. I am looking forward to spending time with the girls that are going and developing a closer relationship with them. However, my husband gave me a 'pep' talk that totally deflated my anticipation. He explained that along with going to bed late and dodging pranks, I will be getting up way early for counselor meetings. (I am VERY attached to my sleep.) Then I will be leading two Bible studies a day with a group or 10-15 teens I don't know. Oh, and I should mention how all the other teen leaders on the district are the fun, exciting, big personality types and I am not. So, yeah, insecurities abound.
As the week progressed I felt the beginnings of depression creeping in and I couldn't seem to shake it. I know that if I can get ahold of what is upsetting me I have a much better chance of heading off the dark emotions and seeing the truth, but things just seemed cloudy this week.
Today I finally figured it out. I'm not enough. I'm not talented enough or kind enough or smart enough to deal with my life. Don't get me wrong. I have strong talents and lots of things I like about myself, but I'm not the person I want to be - the person who can fix everyone's problems and make everything ok. I have what I have to offer, but it's not enough.
The crazy truth is that it's not supposed to be. I can't heal my friend's skin graft or make sure a new widow has the financial resources she needs. I probably won't make teenagers laugh or tell a story they will remember in ten years. Those things are not my job. My calling is to love them and point them to the savior who can meet all their needs. I need to let go and let God because -- He is enough.