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Friday, July 6, 2018

My Offering

Once a year, on July 4th, I host a party.  Hospitality really is not my gift.  I do not have that ability to get a big meal on the table all at the same time.  My house is always too cluttered and never clean enough to feel comfortable bringing in a crowd.  Still, I am a pastor's wife, so there is some expectation there.  Plus, our front yard happens to have a great view of the city's fireworks show.  Thus, a tradition was born.

It's really not a bad party to host.  Everyone brings a snack and a lawn chair and sits in the front yard to visit until the show starts.  Most people never even enter the house.  We do eat dinner with my husband's parents ahead of time.  This year I even managed to get the meal on the table almost on time.  Then we set up the snack table and some chairs in the front and wait for guests to arrive.  Last year I obsessed about making several cute snacks and decorating the table.  It turned out there was too much food since everyone eats dinner before they come anyway.  So this year, one simple veggie pizza and drinks was all I made.  Once people arrived, the snack table filled up quickly anyway.

So, I could have sat down to enjoy my company and commend myself on pulling off a simple but effective party.  Unfortunately, that's not how my brain works.  I obsessed that it was not fancy. I worried that people were not having fun. I just knew I was not doing this hostess thing right.  Then the fireworks were cancelled due to wind.  So, basically the point of the party was a flop. I felt like a failure.

I stayed in a funk for a few days about all this.  Those ugly voices that live in my head had a heyday.  Why are you such a disappointment?  Why can't you do more?  What's wrong with you?

Finally, today I realized that this is my offering.  It is what I have to give.  It is not like others who are differently gifted, but it is my best.  I can ask no more of myself than that.  Like the widow's mite, it is precious to God because it comes from my heart.  It is not a disappointment to Him, and that is what really matters.  

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