Step two - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step three - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I've been listening to a podcast step study and reading the AA Big Book to solidify my recommitment to the program. In the Chapter called "How it Works" I found myself:
"..any life run on self-will can hardly be a success."
That sounds reasonable. Not too many people hold up selfishness as a positive attribute. Not many of us claim to be selfish, but...
"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show... if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful... "
Ouch - how many of us think life would be better if only people would listen to us?
"What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life does not treat him right."
That sounds like my favorite complaint - It's not fair!!!
"He decides to exert himself more."
Me - I just have to work harder.
"He becomes... more demanding or gracious... Still the play does not suit him... He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying... a producer of confusion rather than harmony...sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave..."
So - yeah that pretty much sounds like my pity-party depression episodes. =(
So the real problem is "self-will run riot, though he usually does not think so."
I have been so busy trying to keep things running smoothly at work and at church that I did not realize the "I" was the problem. I'm not responsible or capable to run the world. I don't get to hold the reigns unless I want to crash. (and I have been crashing)
So - what is the solution?
"Above everything, we alcoholics (Me- dare I say, we humans) must be rid of this selfishness..."
"God makes that possible... we had to quit playing God... in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director... He is the Father and we are His children.."
So when I am tied up in knots trying to please everyone and do everything that needs doing, I am trying to be in control I am the director of my play. It's about what I want. I'm being selfish. Big ouch.
Does that mean I don't do anything? Nope - "We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." My job is to stay close to the creator and do His will and His work, not mine. Not my "little plans and designs" but instead "contribute to life".
Giving my will and my plans over to God is the "triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom".
So - I can have freedom and peace and purpose. All I have to do is resign as the Queen of the World?
I'm in -God, teach me to surrender each and every situation to you. Help me to do your will and let go of the results. Help me to remember You are in charge of the world. I am only a servant - thank goodness.