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Monday, March 6, 2017

The choir

I have a choir of voices in my head. They have been there as long as I can remember. They tell me things like "You are worthless," "Everything is your fault," "You are broken," and You are unloveable." (not audible voices of course)

Through counseling and meditation I was able to shush them, but they always came back when life got tough.  Where did they come from and why couldn't I get rid of them?

I have had a revelation. Those voices are not evil spirits or people from my past. They are me. At different times in my life things happened that I processed negatively and the beliefs were born. I can't just bury or erase them because part of me believes they are true. I envision each of these past troubles as a voice speaking it's truth to me.

I think each of these little people inside me needs to be heard and healed instead of ignored.

I started with the youngest one. She (I) is a little baby who was held tightly and shushed by her mother whenever her Daddy was doing his college homework. I visualized her and asked her what she had to say. It was a lot. She said she learned that her needs were not important. She learned to hide her feelings because they were bad and displeased other people. She believed that it was her fault if other people failed and to never make someone else mad.

In my mind I held her and sought to speak the truth to her. I told her she was loved. I reminded her of pictures of her daddy playing with her and kind words her mom spoke through the years. Then I told her that she was not responsible for other people's choices. Her dad could have gone to the library; her mom could have taken her for a walk. Her fussing was not responsible for any trouble he had studying or any arguments they had over it. You had a right to express your needs at the time. Lastly, your mom and dad did the best they knew how at the time and they loved you.

In the end I could envision that little baby sleeping contentedly in her mom's arms. I don't think her voice will be in my choir any longer at least not the same way.

I am excited to start this journey. I believe it is the path to peace.

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