OA - Starting Over

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addictions - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I recently came to a place where I needed to ask some hard questions about what did and did not belong in my life.  I was running too fast and trying to 'fix' everything.  Of course, it wasn't working out too well.  Depression was taking over and I was having other stress-related health problems. 

On advice from my counselor, I cleared my schedule and spent some time alone to decide what was really important to me.  I cut back on some of my commitments at work and at church.  I decided to focus more on my family and listening to God. 

During this time, I began to question my relationship with food.  I was avoiding certain foods and going to meetings but still starting to gain weight.  It just wasn't working for me anymore so I decided to quit.  I didn't know what to do so I abandoned my food rules.  It was not an emotional giving in to cravings, it was a calm decision to go back.  Maybe I was not an addict.  Maybe this was no longer the plan for me.  I had to find out.

Well, it only took a few days before I was eating handfuls of candy every time I walked through the kitchen, half a bag of cookies for snack, and two sundaes a day.  I also had a constant stomach ache and continual cravings for more.  OK maybe I did have the allergy of the body and the compulsion of the mind.  Maybe I really was an addict. 

I began to think about if and when I would be ready to 'quit'.  Realizing that I could not control food was step one but returning to the program would be a full commitment.  About that time a friend/mentor texted me to see if I would be coming back to the recovery meeting that week.  I told him what was going on with me.  He asked me what I had learned and what I was going to do about it.  That was what I needed at that moment - not a shoulder to cry on but someone to ask the tough question and help me face reality.  That night I had one last bowl of ice cream and the next morning I began a new day one.  I still felt sick and draggy.  I had no desire for food (totally strange for me)  It was almost my own version of a hang over.  I'm pretty sure my friend was praying for me. 

Four days later I returned to my weekly recovery meeting.  (It's a Christian 12-step group for people with various addictions.)  I told them my story.  They gave me love, support, and advice.  I like the person I am when I am there and I am honored to have such amazing people in my life to share my journey.  It's good to be home.