What a ride!

Just over a year ago I made some serious changes in my life including joining a 12-step program for compulsive overeaters.  Little did I know that working this program would reshape not just my body but my mind as well.  I have experienced spiritual and physical healing.  Then the changes started to expand into other areas of my life.   I became willing and able to tackle my messy house.  Then I started looking at reducing my belongings.  Recently I've even delved into recycling and reducing waste not to mention living frugally and ministering to the poor.  I have no idea where this roller coaster is taking me, but I'm enjoying the ride.

OA- I'm Not in Charge of the World - Thank Goodness

Step two - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step three - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I've been listening to a podcast step study and reading the AA Big Book to solidify my recommitment to the program.  In the Chapter called "How it Works" I found myself:

"..any life run on self-will can hardly be a success."

That sounds reasonable.  Not too many people hold up selfishness as a positive attribute.   Not many of us claim to be selfish, but...

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show... if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great.  Everybody, including himself, would be pleased.  Life would be wonderful... "

 Ouch - how many of us think life would be better if only people would listen to us?

"What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well.  He begins to think life does not treat him right."

That sounds like my favorite complaint - It's not fair!!!

 "He decides to exert himself more."

  Me - I just have to work harder.

"He becomes... more demanding or gracious... Still the play does not suit him... He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying... a producer of confusion rather than harmony...sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave..."

So - yeah that pretty much sounds like my pity-party depression episodes. =(

So the real problem is "self-will run riot, though he usually does not think so."

I have been so busy trying to keep things running smoothly at work and at church that I did not realize the "I" was the problem.  I'm not responsible or capable to run the world.  I don't get to hold the reigns unless I want to crash. (and I have been crashing) 

So - what is the solution? 

"Above everything, we alcoholics (Me- dare I say, we humans) must be rid of this selfishness..."

How?

"God makes that possible... we had to quit playing God... in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director... He is the Father and we are His children.."

So when I am tied up in knots trying to please everyone and do everything that needs doing, I am trying to be in control  I am the director of my play.  It's about what I want.  I'm being selfish.  Big ouch.

Does that mean I don't do anything?  Nope - "We had a new Employer.  Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well."  My job is to stay close to the creator and do His will and His work, not mine.  Not my "little plans and designs" but instead "contribute to life". 

Giving my will and my plans over to God is the "triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom". 

So - I can have freedom and peace and purpose.  All I have to do is resign as the Queen of  the World? 

 I'm in -God, teach me to surrender each and every situation to you.  Help me to do your will and let go of the results.  Help me to remember You are in charge of the world.  I am only a servant - thank goodness.

OA - Starting Over

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addictions - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I recently came to a place where I needed to ask some hard questions about what did and did not belong in my life.  I was running too fast and trying to 'fix' everything.  Of course, it wasn't working out too well.  Depression was taking over and I was having other stress-related health problems. 

On advice from my counselor, I cleared my schedule and spent some time alone to decide what was really important to me.  I cut back on some of my commitments at work and at church.  I decided to focus more on my family and listening to God. 

During this time, I began to question my relationship with food.  I was avoiding certain foods and going to meetings but still starting to gain weight.  It just wasn't working for me anymore so I decided to quit.  I didn't know what to do so I abandoned my food rules.  It was not an emotional giving in to cravings, it was a calm decision to go back.  Maybe I was not an addict.  Maybe this was no longer the plan for me.  I had to find out.

Well, it only took a few days before I was eating handfuls of candy every time I walked through the kitchen, half a bag of cookies for snack, and two sundaes a day.  I also had a constant stomach ache and continual cravings for more.  OK maybe I did have the allergy of the body and the compulsion of the mind.  Maybe I really was an addict. 

I began to think about if and when I would be ready to 'quit'.  Realizing that I could not control food was step one but returning to the program would be a full commitment.  About that time a friend/mentor texted me to see if I would be coming back to the recovery meeting that week.  I told him what was going on with me.  He asked me what I had learned and what I was going to do about it.  That was what I needed at that moment - not a shoulder to cry on but someone to ask the tough question and help me face reality.  That night I had one last bowl of ice cream and the next morning I began a new day one.  I still felt sick and draggy.  I had no desire for food (totally strange for me)  It was almost my own version of a hang over.  I'm pretty sure my friend was praying for me. 

Four days later I returned to my weekly recovery meeting.  (It's a Christian 12-step group for people with various addictions.)  I told them my story.  They gave me love, support, and advice.  I like the person I am when I am there and I am honored to have such amazing people in my life to share my journey.  It's good to be home. 

OA - I'm a Recovering Human Being

     I am a Compulsive Overeater.  I am in recovery.  I go to meetings for food addiction and meetings set up for people of all addictions.  I hear people introduce themselves as recovering alcoholics, recovering drug addicts and other things. 

     This week I heard the best introduction ever.  My friend introduced herself as a recovering human being. 

     See this is how addiction works.  We were all born clean and free and full of hope.  Then life smacks us.  Maybe it's abuse or poverty or neglect.  Maybe it's rejection or abandonment.  Life can be painful.  So we look for help.  We may look to family or friends or social programs.  If and when these things fail us we look to something else to cover the pain.  It might be alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping, gambling or any of a number of escape agents.  They provide pleasure and excitement and take the pain away... for awhile.  Then the coping strategies become a trap and addiction sets in. 

     In recovery we learn to let go of our 'drug of choice' but more importantly we learn to live life.  We learn to walk through the ups and downs of each day without our blanket of comfort.  We learn to accept our problems and work on them instead of avoiding them.  We learn to smile and to cry.  We learn to feel.  We learn to be human.

     So, really I'm not a recovering food addict.  That does not define me or who I want to be.

     I am a recovering human being.

What's with the title?

I realize I have never explained my blog title - Jaki's Next Right Step.

One great piece of advice my OA sponsor gave me was to 'just do the next right thing'.  I think this was probably in response to my incessant habit of trying to plan out and/or worry about the next ten years of my life.  It might also have been during a time when I doubted my ability to complete a certain step in the 12 step process.  Either way her advice was to stop looking at the big picture which was paralyzing me and just do the next right thing.

Some days the next right thing is choosing a healthy food or exercising regardless of lack of desire.  Sometimes it's admitting my fears or helping someone else.

Sometimes the next right thing gets you in trouble.  I did something hard this week.  I did it to protect someone I love but they may not see it that way.  Sometimes the next right thing makes a situation worse for awhile.

This happened to Moses.  He told Pharaoh to let the Israelites go and instead, Pharaoh increased the slaves workload.  Their difficult lives got increasingly worse and they were angry at Moses for it.  Did Moses (who had an insecure, people pleasing personality) give up and go home or pull the covers over his head and cry like I would?  Nope, he went to God.  He did complain but he did it in prayer.  And then, at God's instruction, he did the next right thing.  He confronted Pharaoh again. 

That story is for me this week.  I don't know what the day/week/year has in store for me, but I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I can do the next right thing.

y Story of Healing from Food Addiction and Depression

My name is Jackie and I am a Compulsive Overeater and a recovering food addict.  I am also a semi-recovered perfectionist and control freak.  I have a long history of clinical depression.  Most importantly, I am a child of God who is in the process of healing.

I was born into a troubled marriage - sort of the 'child will fix it' kind of thing.  I learned early to hide my emotions and not cause trouble.  My parents eventually divorced.  They were civil to each other and I got to spend time with both of them.  However, they had very different views on life.  I spent most weekends arguing/debating with my dad about religion, money, and any other topic he and my mom disagreed about.  In retrospect, I think he was just trying to show me a different perspective, but at the time I just felt criticized and rejected.  I began to believe that I could never do enough or be enough to earn his love. 

In school I excelled and enjoyed learning.  Here was one area of my life I could earn the gold stars I so desired.  If I worked hard enough I got validated and I could believe that I had value.  I don't know when this deformed belief that I was only loveable if people loved me started, but I cannot remember a time when I did not feel that way.  Consequently, I was a deep-seeded people pleaser.

I also do not remember when I first started turning to food for comfort.  I do remember being at my grandpa's house in the summers.  He was a loving, sweet man who doted on me.  He had a drawer in the refrigerator that was always filled with mini-candy bars and I was allowed to have some anytime I wanted.  Somehow his love and the candy got connected in my mind. 

I also remember how every year at Easter  I would take my basket to my room and eat until I was sick to my stomach.  These were my early binges.

Thankfully I was young when I dedicated my life to God.  This faith was a great comfort to me and gave me guiding principles for my life as well as an extended family to love and support me through the tough teen years.

Junior high was a nightmare.  I was the geeky, plain-looking, shy, clumsy girl all the boys loved to torture.  I did not seem to fit into any of the typical cliques.  I ended up with other kids who did not fit in.  I guess we were the misfits, but we were good for each other.  We clung together in the waves of teen angst and at least we were not alone.  I think I cried every day, but at least I had shoulders to lean on. 

High school and college were better.  I found friends who drew me out of my protective shell.  I continued to wrongly blame all my 'issues' on my father and on a tough move my third grade year that resulted in changing schools and losing many friends.  It was not until college that I began to take responsibility for my own choices and direct my own life.  I finally began to realize that I could not change the past, but I was in charge of the future.

I married the weekend after college graduation.  One year later we moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity.  My entire life, my mom had been my rock, my cheerleader, my best friend.  Moving away from her was the hardest thing I had ever done.  Living in a very isolated area with a new job and a new marriage that were not living up to my perfectionistic expectations made it more difficult.  Until then I had been able to control my weight.  I was a little heavy and I sought comfort from food, but I could abstain and diet long enough to keep it down.  After the move things changed.  I indulged more and more and packed on pounds.  I went through my first major episode with depression.  It lasted off and on for years.  With medication and counseling I eventually got stabilized and my life resembled normal.  Still, my weight told the story of how much I was relying on food.

When my step-dad passed away we made plans to have her move in with us.  This new family, including our one and a half year old daughter, relocated together.  We came to a family-friendly town that was not nearly so remote.  We found a great church family and good jobs.  Things were calm for awhile.  One down-side was that my mom and I were binge buddies.  We gave each other permission to eat however we wanted without hiding or feeling judged.  I think we both gained weight.

Then she got sick - very sick.  My mom was disabled and had various chronic illnesses, but nothing life-threatening until then.  We lost her very quickly to a colon infection that poisoned her body.  In just a few months my world shut down.  At first all I could do was hide in my house and hold my children or cry with my husband.  We did bond in a new way as we clung to each other, but I also sunk into the darkest depression ever.  I moved through life in slow motion with no life in me.  I felt my very heart was gone.  What else could I do but wrap my pain up in food and hide beneath the covers?  For four years I didn't really function. There were bright moments, mostly involving my kids, but even those could not part the clouds for long.  I was blessed with friends and family who cared, but still I mourned in my dark place alone.

It was my girls that saved me.  I realized that I was not enjoying them the way I wanted to.  I was not feeling the brightness that their sweet faces deserved.  I went to the doctor and I went to counseling.  I wanted to live my life again. 

God blessed me with an amazing counselor.  We worked through all the painful memories of my life.  I was able to uncover the lies that I was believing that were destroying me.  I began to see that I had value all by myself.  I began to like me. 

The depression had to be dealt with before the food.  I could not let go of my best coping strategy until I had other tools to live my life.  Skipping ahead for just a moment - I am thankful that I had food as my crutch.  I never turned to more drastic forms of self-harm.  Food solved my problems until it became the problem.  It could have been so much worse.

Finally my depression was in remission. (I don't say healed, because it still raises it's head occasionally.  Thankfully, now I have strategies to get through an episode and diffuse it.)  I was ready to face my issues with food.  I was ready for Overeater's Anonymous.

I have written in this blog about my experiences with the twelve steps of recovery so I will just summarize here.  OA taught me to dig out the reasons I was binging on sugar.  I was gently guided through a process of looking at my fears and resentments and learning to accept life as it is.  I learned to surrender my crutch and lean on God.  I learned to let go of the food and grab onto life.  Life isn't always easy but living it is so much better than hiding.  I'm not afraid of my own emotions or those of other people (most of the time anyway.)  I'm not angry and blaming other people for my own character defects.  I had to let go of my trigger foods.  I had to surrender my will.  In return I received peace and joy and compassion as well as meeting so many amazing people on similar journeys.  Now I know how to feel my feelings, how to ask for help, and how to forgive.

I am learning how to live.

Back on Track

I am amazed that it has been months since I wrote a blog post.  How easily good habits get lost.  I imagine it is no coincidence that this same time span of over four months has been a time of slowly gaining weight and letting my house slip into disaster.  I seem to have an all-or-nothing pattern.  Now it's time to get back on track - back to the things that are important to me. 

I wrote some goals recently as part of a minimalism class I am taking.  I want to be healthy. I want to be generous and spend my time serving others.  I want to write a book. I believe continuing to simplify my life, my house, and even my food will help me reach these goals.  Joshua Becker says that cleaning up your house and reducing your belongings is only the beginning of the journey.  It is a tool to allow you the space (physical and mental) to pursue the things that are important to you.  It is part of the journey, but certainly not the destination.

I want to clear out more of the junk in my life to make room for the plans God has for me and my family.  This might include hospitality, compassionate ministry, and more time together.

Clearing out the junk is an appropriate metaphor for the work I need to do with my food addiction as well.   I get complacent and comfortable and don't press on toward the goal.  Health and freedom from obsession are the goals but weight loss is the signpost that lets me know I'm headed in a positive direction.  It's time to work the steps, surrender my will and search out God's path.  I'm afraid that is going to mean exercise.  The E word.  I have not trained this temple God gave me very well.  It is weak and unfit.  I despise exercise.  Any excuse will do to avoid it.  I am stubborn and adamant in my refusal.  It's time to start letting God have control of this area.  Oh boy...

Are we there yet?

     It's that classic kid's question on long trips - Are we there yet?  The answer is usually, "not even close".  The same seems to be true in the journey of life.  This blog has looked at many areas of my life - decluttering, Overeater's Anonymous, consumerism, health, creation care, cleaning, ministry, cooking, and poverty.  I have made positive changes in so many ways, but some days I sit in my messy, crowded house after looking at the scale that says I gained a couple pounds, and decide to eat a sugary, chemical-laden snack off a paper plate and wonder if I have accomplished anything.

    I know I'm not alone in this.  My daughter asked me one day when I would be done organizing the house.  It was funny at the time.  I told her this was an ongoing project that might never end, but things would gradually get better and better.  A week or so later I could hardly walk through the living room.  Ugh. 

    I try to embrace the OA concept of "progress not perfection".  Every step forward is a blessing and a victory.  I'm not perfect, but I eat more vegetables than I used to.  I use less disposable items and recycle when I can.  I buy more things used, and less things overall.  I am a work in progress.

 

OA teaches me about Christianity

It's been a little over a year and a half since I joined OA and this proram has revealed new things abut my faith. Today I was thinking about evangelism.

  People have watched my journey for the past year and a half. They have seen my body and my spirit change. Last night 3 new ladies I have shared pieces of my journey with came to our local face to face meeting. I had invited them in the past, but I had no idea they were coming this week. I didn't actively pursue them, I just lived my life in front of them and they noticed. I also befriended them with no condemnation. 

 I hope I can translate this into myChristian witness. My life should be lived in such a way that people notice my deeds and my spirit. It should attract them to Jesus. As I befriend people, not assault them with the gospel, I earn the right to speak God's love to them. 

OA -Step 10 - the journey continues

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

I would rephrase this step as 'repeat the above as necessary'.  It would be nice if, once our lives were cleaned up, they stayed cleaned up.  However, life is not like that.  We continue to face challenges, make mistakes, and unearth new character defects.  So, we continue to need the process outlined by the 12 steps. 

When I feel discontent in my spirit, or bursts of anger, or sudden sadness, I know it's time to revisit the steps.  I admit I have problems I can't solve on my own. (1) I turn to the God who is able to heal me (2) and ask for His help (3).  Then I look for where I have muddied the waters. Have I allowed fear or resentment to enter my life?  Have I allowed old character defects to return? (4)  I confess my sinful attitudes and actions to God, myself, and a trusted confidant. (5)  I choose to let go of the ugliness that is marring my spirit. (6)  I ask God to remove it. (7) Then I check to see who I have hurt in the process and make amends to them in whatever way seems best. (8-9) 

Sometimes  this process takes hours, sometimes just a few minutes.  I know it is done when peace returns to my spirit.

Today I found myself feeling depressed and angry.  I was growling at people and situations that really should have only been small irritations.  I knew there was something amiss in my spirit.  I didn't exactly go through the steps in order.  First I sought counsel from a friend which is one of the 12 step tools.  Then I cried out to God about something I felt was unjust.  That is when I realized that I was mad because people and situations were not playing out the way I wanted them too.  This is a reoccurring theme with me.  My sponsor once pointed out that I seem to want to be in charge of the world and I selfishly try to put my will on others. Ouch.  OK I did it again (with the best intentions for a good outcome, but still selfish).  God spoke to my spirit that sometimes I need to wait for doors to open instead of banging against them.  I humbly admitted that He is in charge, not me and I will wait for His timing.  You see, I tend to rush - in life, at church, at school.  I get an idea and run with it.  God is teaching me to wait for Him to get other people ready too.  That will be my living amends.

Step 10 is powerful because steps 1-9 are powerful and worth repeating often.

OA - Steps 5, 6, and 7

Back to my Overeater's Anonymous journey.  After making the searching and fearless moral inventory in step 4, it was time to share it and allow God to heal my character defects.

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

I approached step five with some trepidation.  I had been thorough and truthful in my inventory and I was not sure I could share it with another person.  You see, I have always believed that if people really knew me they would reject me.  Some in my life already had.  Still, I had already seen and felt the healing that comes from this journey and I knew I needed more.  Because my sponsor was not local, we did the inventory electronically.  I was able to tell her things one at a time and discuss them before moving on to the next item.  I started little and built up trust.  I learned that my sponsor had the gift of wisdom.  She often saw things I did not and was able to unearth further character defects.  I'll never forget the day she told me I was selfish.   I was so angry.  I thought 'you don't know me.  I'm a kind person.'  Then I looked at her evidence and had to admit she was right. I was trying to run the world and angry when people didn't do things my way (since I always knew best).  I was selfish.  Her vision and wisdom where a gift.  More than that, though, her love was a gift.  You see, when you give your step five to someone who understands the program they give you the gift of loving acceptance.  Nothing I could say drove her away.  Instead she put her cyber-arm around me and told me we all had these issues and we were all on the path to getting them healed.  We are in this together.  That is the strength of the program.

Step six involves deciding if I was ready to get rid of all this spiritual sludge in my life.  Sometimes this is difficult.  We know that the way we are facing life is causing us pain.  It isn't working, but it is comfortable and familiar.  It may have even served us in the past as coping strategies for traumatic circumstances.  Facing the unknown and doing something new can be scary.  I had the gift of desperation.  I knew the path I was on was self-destructive.  I had to try a different way. 

Step 7 involves praying for God to do something we can never do ourselves - to remove our character defects.  Here is the prayer OA offers:

My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good or bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.  Grant me the strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.  Amen

I did not immediately become perfect when I prayed this prayer.  I spent time praying over each defect/sin I had uncovered.  I spent time talking to my sponsor about different ways to cope with situations in my life.  Growth and change are a process.  I still stumble, I still hurt people, I still hold grudges, but I admit and change a lot faster.  I apologize sooner, and as a result....

I walk in so much joy and peace, it is hard to imagine I ever carried all that junk around.

Wishing you joy in the journey - Jaki

OA - Step 4 - where the work begins

A lot of people settle in with steps 1-3.  They become comfortable with the ideas that we have a problem and we have a Higher Power who can solve it.  However, that solution does not come without work.  That is where step 4 comes in.

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

To me addiction is like an iceberg.  The part we see is the actual action (be it binging, drinking, gambling, etc.)  The unseen part of the iceberg represents all the reasons we indulge in our chosen addiction.  My trouble with food rested on many underlying causes and these had to be rooted out and dealt with in order to find healing.

The process recommended by OA looks at a couple areas. I'm going to discuss two of these.  First I analyzed my resentments.  I listed everything that made me angry.  It was a long list.  Most of my life I have been a pretty calm person, but when I 'put down the food' I was flooded with ugly emotions.  It was like PMS on steroids!  People explained to me that this was a result of all my undealt with emotions bubbling up.  I had bought peace with food for so many years and all those pains wanted a turn to get some attention.  So, I listed each person, situation, and anything else that upset me.  Then I analyzed why it made me angry and how it hurt me.  Lastly, I had to admit where I had been to blame in each situation.  Had I been selfish, dishonest, frightened, or inconsiderate?  As I learned, even when I was the victim, I usually had some negative response that had only served to make the situation worse.  I had to own up to my part of my own pain. 

For example, I was angry at my children because they were arguing and bossy at times and they didn't listen to what I told them to do.  I realized that I was allowing their very normal behavior to make me feel like a failure as a parent.  I thought they were making me look bad.  I was afraid they would turn out to be terrible people and it would be all my fault.  So, where was I to blame?  First of all I was indulging in perfectionism.  I was holding them and myself to unreasonable expectations.  Also, I was allowing myself to worry.  These are both self-damaging behaviors. 

In other situations where I was angry at someone I felt had deliberately treated me wrongly I found the resentment prayer to be helpful.  "(name) is spiritually sick.  God, please help me show the same tolerance, pity, and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend."  I was reminded that 'hurt people hurt people'.  If I could feel pity and compassion for someone who hurt me, it usually washed away the anger and paved the road for forgiveness.

The second big area to look at is fears.  I was instructed to list anything I was fearful about.  At first this confused me because I thought fear was a natural human response, not something to be rid of.  Eventually I realized that the danger of fear is that it keeps us from faith and action and leads to worry.  After listing the fears, I looked at why I had each fear and how it was affecting me.  I admitted that I was trusting myself instead of trusting God.  I prayed the fear prayer for each individual situation: "God please remove my fear of _______ and direct my attention towards what you would have me to be."  Fear turns our vision inward toward our own problems.  We need God to turn our vision back to him and toward our fellow man so the final step is to look at what God would have us be. 

Example - This year I had a fear of losing my job.  (This was not random.  There were things happening that made my position unstable.)  The 'why' of this fear was that I was afraid of financial ruin and I was basing my reputation/value on my job performance.  Also, I was afraid of being a failure as a teacher.  I prayed the fear prayer and looked for what God wanted me to be.  I realized that fear and worry would not help me keep my job.  I could apply the serenity prayer by making improvements in my classroom and then putting the future in God's hands.  I decided that if I should loose my job, then I would trust God to provide our needs in another way.

Some people find step 4 daunting.  In fact, many people turn away from OA at this point.  It's not easy to face your inner demons.  For me, step 4 was an intriguing journey of self-discovery.  It was not easy or fun, but it was interesting and it gave me a taste of the healing and freedom this journey promises. 

To anyone beginning this step I encourage you to press on at all costs.  The best is yet to come!

OA - Step 2 and 3

Step 2 "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

Step 3 "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."


So, I think it's pretty important not to get stuck on step 1.  Yes, I am powerless, but that does not mean I am helpless.  There is a solution.  I just have to look outside myself to find it.

I thought step 2 would be easy since I have been a Christian from a young age.  Of course I believed in a power greater than myself.  I even believed in healing.  The problem was being willing to let God work in His way not mine.  I had prayed to loose weight and get healthy so many times.  However, what I really wanted was for God to heal me AND let me eat whatever I wanted.  I never put Him in charge of my food.  I had to be willing to change.  (step 3)

I also had to look at what 'sanity' meant.  I discovered that participating in self-destructive behaviors (binging, hiding food, covering feelings with food...) was not a recipe for sanity or peace. 

Step 3 meant I chose to let God be in control of all areas of my life and trust that His way was better.  I let go of my way which was only bringing me pain and frustration and chose God's way even though it was new and scary.  Change is scary.  I like the comfort of the familiar, but the familiar was slowly killing me.  It was time to step out on faith into the new and unfamiliar.

Many OAers like to summarize the first three steps like this --

"I can't, He can, I will let Him."

OA - Step 1

Since I am blogging about different topics, I've decided to label my posts that apply to Overeater's Anonymous with OA in the title.)

Soon after I decided to abstain from desserts, I found myself getting very in touch with step one of OA -

"We admitted we were powerless over food, that our live had become unmanageable."

I was assailed by doubts (I can't do this), opportunities (just this one time, just a little bit), cravings (I had visions of chocolate-chip cookies dipped in Frosties), and emotions (all the frustrations and anger that I covered up with food came to the surface.)

The first month was tough.  I don't think I could have done it without all the supportive people who were in my life.  Family, friends, my sponsor, and even a website group I joined circled around me with encouragement and love.

When I first read step 1 I was hesitant to embrace the idea that I was powerless, but as I looked at my history with food, I saw that I had never been able to control my eating for any length of time.  I had searched for answers, tried diets, blamed others, and failed over and over.  I don't know if this is a disease or a genetic disposition or simply a choice, but I do know that my relationship with food was not normal or healthy and I had no control over it.

I also stumbled on the word "unmanageable".  I had just came out of a period of dark years of depression where it was difficult to get out of bed and move through each day.  That to me was unmanageable.  I was finally finding joy in my life and moving forward.  However, the food was a roadblock.  It kept me from facing my deeper issues and from embracing my life more fully. 

In step one I admitted my weakness but also my willingness to move forward.

OA - The Beginning

On Saturday, April 5th, 2014 at 2pm I joined Overeater's Anonymous and quit eating dessert.

 I just read a quote today that applies to me.  "Only a crisis -actual or perceived- produces real change." (Milton Friedman) 

In the weeks before April 5th, I had two realizations.  One happened when I conceded that I needed to go buy bigger pants.  I took the next large size to the dressing room and they were still tight.  Plus, they were tight in the knees.  'I have fat knees' I moaned.  I have always been round in the waist, hips, etc. and in recent years my stomach pooched out, but knees were a new embarrassment.  I think I cried that day. 

The second revelation was when I was eating a candy bar in the kitchen hoping not to be seen.  One of the girls came in and got something sweet for herself.  I realized that my children where adopting my eating habits which included 3-4 dessert type snacks a day.  I truly felt I was killing my precious girls. 

Those events were my crisis.  I did not want to continue down this road, but I did not know where to turn for help.  Luckily, God always intervenes when we need his guidance.  A childhood friend I had re-connected with on Facebook told me she had joined Overeater's Anonymous.  She shared some of her journey with me and encouraged me to look into it for myself.  I poked around the website and bought a book on my Kindle.  The book, Sweet Surrender, was one woman's story of healing through the twelve step program.  As I listened I knew this was for me.  My mind began to think about a starting date.  I mentally calculated the food in the kitchen and what things I wanted to eat before 'saying goodbye'.  Just then the author was talking about how she would binge before every diet to console herself.  I realized that was what I was doing and it sounded so stupid.  Right then, I looked at the clock and said goodbye to sweets.  I had no idea if I had the strength to abstain, but I knew I was desperate.  That moment began the first day of over a year of days lived one moment at a time.