Creation Care (also know as environmental protection)

Creation care is the idea that God expects his people to take care of the earth that he created for them to enjoy.  This topic is near to my heart possibly because until about three years ago it had no place in my life.  I grew up thinking that environmentalism was for those liberal, tree-hugging fanatics.  I realize now how judgmental and short-sighted that was.  The same God who cares for me also cares for the lilies of the field, and He expects me to care as well.

The case for creation care can be found in many places in the Bible:

Genesis 1.31 says, “God saw everything He had made and behold it was very good.”  All of creation was deemed ‘very good’ by its creator.  Man might be the height of God’s work, but the land, the water, and the animals are all valuable to him.

Genesis 2.15 “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”  This was the first job given to mankind – to take care of the garden.  God could have made the earth self-sustaining, but as in many things, He chose to include humanity in the process.  It is our responsibility to be caretakers of the environment where we live. 

There are so many more examples of how important creation is in scripture, but I will only highlight one more.  This one is a warning.  Revelations 11.18 “The nations raged, but your wrath came, the time for the dead to be judged…and for destroying the destroyers of the earth.”  That is pretty intense.  God’s final judgments will include punishing those who have participated in the destruction of the earth.  I would venture to say that includes all of us to some extent.

Although these scriptures resonate with my spirit now, my road to creation care did not start with the Bible.  It started with stewardship and decluttering.  A few years ago, I was cleaning out and organizing my daughters’ craft room.  I had a bag for supplies they did not need that we could give away.  I also had a bag for trash.  The trash bag filled up quickly over and over again.  It had never bothered me to throw out a little paper here and there, but suddenly those bags full of paper bothered me.  I knew that paper could be recycled into new material if I only took the time to sort it and take it to the local drop off.  I began to compare throwing that usable resource away to throwing away money.  If I put it in the trash, then companies would cut more trees, process more paper and sell it.  I was feeding a machine that was wasting natural resources as well.  I was not stewarding all that God had put in my hands.  That day I labeled a box for paper recycling and put it in our kitchen.  It took many hours of research and phone calls to find out what our small town could recycle and where the drop offs were, but soon I had four labeled trash cans in my kitchen for glass, tin, plastic, and paper.  I had joined the green team.

Recycling was a very small beginning, but it got me started.  During my research, I began to read about the problems with trash in general.  I knew that certain things, especially plastic, did not degrade well.  What I didn’t know is that nothing degrades well in a landfill.  It does not break down and return to the earth as I had imagined.  It actually gets entombed with no oxygen to help the disintegration process.  One archeological type dig done in a landfill found a 50-year-old newspaper that could still be read. The material in a landfill also mixes together and forms a toxic sludge called leachate.  Modern landfills have a plastic liner to keep this liquid out of the water supply, but they do crack and leak sometimes.  Landfills also cause Methane gas.  So, everything we do to reduce our contribution to landfill trash protects the earth.  This realization led me to analyze my trash creation.  Before recycling, we were putting out two large bags of trash every week.  Recycling cut that back, but I wanted to do more.  The next step was eliminating disposable items.  Bye-bye paper plates and napkins.  Hello, pretty cloth napkins, reusable water bottles, and cloth face wipes.  I also looked for ways to buy products with less packaging.  Thrift stores and bulk grocery items are great for this. 

The next realization my research brought me to was the misuse of plastic.  How can it be ok to take a limited natural resource like oil, create a flimsy item like a plastic bag or cup that is used for a very short time and then thrown away to possibly never degrade or even worse end up in the ocean where plastic molecules now outnumber plankton?  Talk about waste and destruction!  So, the next step was to reduce plastic usage.  I gradually replaced my plastic containers with glass ones.  I didn’t want those toxins leaching into my food anymore anyway.  I bought a glass water bottle, and of course, started using reusable bags when shopping.  I’ve explored alternatives to Ziploc bags with limited success.  Yes, you can freeze food in glass containers, but those bags fit so much nicer and in the long-term glass storage promotes freezer burns sooner.  Sometimes I wash and reuse my plastic bags and sometimes I’m lazy and throw them away.  I console my guilt with the knowledge that I’m doing so much better than I was before.

My environmental journey also brought me back to food.  In my life, it seems that all roads lead back to food.  I began to explore the idea that processed food was bad for the environment and bad for my body.  The extra packaging and the chemicals had to go.  I began to learn to cook with real ingredients.  I increased the amount of fresh vegetables in my diet.  I started cooking and freezing my own meals so I did not have to rely on fish sticks and Lean Cuisine.  Then I started learning about meat.  Between Michael Pollan’s book The Omnivore’s Dilemma and the movie Food Inc, I knew I no longer wanted to eat industrially produced meat.  I didn’t want to contribute to animals living tortured lives even before they were killed for my plate.  I didn’t trust all the chemicals, antibiotics, bacteria, and disease running rampant in this system.  However, I was not ready to go vegetarian.  This was a problem.  I looked for alternatives.  For me, the answer was respectfully raised, grass-fed, free-range, organically fed meat.  I found resources online and my local health food store had options.  Then I was blessed to find three local ranchers who were selling meat.  I could visit the farm, ask questions about their philosophy and eat their products guilt-free.  I may go vegetarian/vegan someday, but for now, this fits my values.

There are many other steps I’ve taken and so many others I still need to explore.  I imagine I still do many things that would qualify as destroying the earth, but I also know I am treading much lighter on the earth than I used to.  I am also more aware of my actions and looking for ways to care for this beautiful gift God has given us all.

Fasting isn't always fun

So, I am a joiner.  I love new projects, social experiments, and challenges.  I like starting things.  I like learning all about new subjects.  Then - what typically happens is I hit a few roadblocks, find out the project isn't as much fun as I anticipated, and quit to go looking for the next new thing to hit my radar.

A few months ago I quit drinking Diet Coke.  I replaced it with flavored/carbonated water and sweet tea.  I was pondering the idea that it was time to go all the way and get rid of the flavored water too when the 7 Experiment came on my radar.  It seemed like perfect timing.  It seemed exciting!  After all, it was a new project and the perfect way to kick off the new year.  So, about a week ago I quit the flavored water and this week in addition, I cut the sugar out of my tea.  It seemed like a small step, maybe not even glorious enough for the 7 Experiment but I jumped in whole-heartedly.

Then life hit.  See, my typical pattern with fasting is that taking out a comfort item, such as the sugar in my tea, brings me closer to my emotions.  It allows the ugly parts of my personality to surface.  In other words, I get angry and irritated.

Yesterday was a tough day.  Every little thing was ruffling my feathers.  I ended up in an intense argument with my husband.  This is unusual because we both hate conflict.  Because I had no buffer, things I usually overlook really upset me.  I found myself seething over infractions from years ago even.  It seems that some past injuries had not been forgiven but just buried.  So, I guess that is what God wanted to show me.  I spent some time in prayer and was reminded of the time when Jesus told his disciples to forgive 70X7 times.  I decided that all those things that my husband does that really anger me are going on the 70X7 list. If it's on the list, then I don't hold it against him.  It's been forgiven and released.  (and just so you know the list is not on paper, just a fuzzy thing in my head so basically I'll never know if I reach 490 items.)  It's just my way of reminding myself that my husband does not have to be perfect and I have permission to let him off the hook.

So I wanted to just quit this whole experiment yesterday - to cover up my emotions with sugary tea and forget the whole thing.  Instead, I stuck it out and God showed me something important about myself.  It wasn't fun but I grew.  Growth is my word for this year.  If I survive the process, big things might happen.

7 Experiment - Food Month

I am writing this one week before the planned start of 7.  As I contemplate what type of food fast God wants for me I have already begun to hear his voice.  He's already tapping on an area that needs repentance - my pride.

See - in the past few years I have made many changes in what and how I eat.  I want to list all these accomplishments and get some pats on the back.  I want people to appreciate how far I have come before I lay out the next steps.  However, that is not the blog God wants me to write.  I hear his gentle voice telling me to stop.  My desire for acceptance and my reliance on the approval of others needs to be crucified.

I just read the story of the Rich young ruler and saw something I had not noticed before.  After the man tells Jesus that he has kept all the commandments, he says "what am I still lacking?"  This man was doing so many things right, but he humbly recognized his own need, his own emptiness.  He wanted more of God in his life.

Lord, may I also humbly ask you to search me and tell me where I am lacking.  My I seek more of you, acknowledging how far you have brought me, but never forgetting that we have ever farther to go.

(Warning - that prayer is dangerous. Not one hour after praying it I found myself snapping at my husband over an old grudge I thought I had released years ago. I haven’t even started the fast and God is already shaking out my weaknesses. That is how it works for me. I fast from my comforts and the ugly hidden parts of my spirit start to show. Then I either cover them back up or let God heal them. Let’s hope I choose the second option more often.)

So - with no fanfare or history attached, here is how I will be fasting during food month:
Give up flavored water - only water, juice, unsweetened tea, and milk for beverages.
No graham crackers (my go to snack food)
3-5 meatless lunches a week
Spend as little as possible by using up what we already have (working on food waste)
I am also considering giving up pork and fast food. I don’t eat much fast food but sometimes I’m with the family and we stop there. I’ll have to ponder the exact limits on this. Lastly our family has pizza once a week. Maybe I can add salad to that meal.

I am also super excited to announce that my girls (age 9 and 12) want to travel 7 with me.  This month they will be abstaining from all chips.

What a ride!

Just over a year ago I made some serious changes in my life including joining a 12-step program for compulsive overeaters.  Little did I know that working this program would reshape not just my body but my mind as well.  I have experienced spiritual and physical healing.  Then the changes started to expand into other areas of my life.   I became willing and able to tackle my messy house.  Then I started looking at reducing my belongings.  Recently I've even delved into recycling and reducing waste not to mention living frugally and ministering to the poor.  I have no idea where this roller coaster is taking me, but I'm enjoying the ride.

How to Shop at the Farmer's Market

   I've been shopping at my local farmer's market for a couple years now.  I started this habit for several reasons.  I wanted to add more vegetables to my diet and eat healthier. Also, I wanted to support the local economy and the local farmers.  In addition, I don't want herbicides and insecticides in my food and I believe these things pollute our environment.  Most of the farmers at the market use very little or none of these chemicals so it's the type of food I'm looking for.  Lastly, their food tastes amazing!!

I have learned that shopping at the farmer's market is very different than shopping at a grocery store.  Through experience, experimentation, and much research I have figured out how to maximize this resource for my family. I've decided to list some tips here.  I wish someone had given me a list like this when I first started exploring the market.

First - Don't make a list before shopping. 
I know this is so counter-intuitive especially for those of us who love lists.  However, if you make your meal plan first and  then go to the farmer's market, you are going to be disappointed.  Unlike a grocery store which has every product every time you enter, the market only has what was harvested that week.  This is actually a benefit because their food is fresh and nutrient rich unlike the stuff we ship all over the country/world before it reaches the store.  So, to maximize your enjoyment of the market, I suggest you go there first and get whatever fruits and vegetables you like.  Then take them home and plan your meals around those items.  The food you buy at the farmer's market will make all your favorite recipes even better.

Second - If you like it - buy it now!
I learned this lesson by making mistakes.  My first summer I was so excited to see a local farmer selling chickens that he had raised and butchered himself.  I knew this meant the animals had been treated with respect and lived a good life.  Not only is this better for the animal, but it is healthier for the eater as well.  I bought one and took it home to cook.  The flavor was amazing!  I hurried back the next week to buy another one and he was sold out.  There would be no more that season.  I was crushed.  That is when I learned that if I see something I like, I need to grab it right away.  This applies to vegetables and fruits as well.  If the zucchini looks good, grab it today, it might not be there next week.  Local food is seasonal and limited.  I had to adjust to that if I wanted all the benefits that come with it.  This year chickens were available again and I bought three right away.  I only wish I could fit more in my freezer.

Third - Buy more than you need and preserve the extra.
This grows out of rule number two.  If you buy something you are not going to use right away, then you need a way to make sure it does not get wasted.  I know people who do canning and freeze-drying.  I have not learned either of those skills yet, so my main preservation system is the freezer.  I do batch cooking, doubling and tripling my favorite recipes and freezing them to have fast meals later.  Also, I have learned which fruits and vegetables can be flash-frozen and which ones need to be blanched first. (This involves boiling the vegetable for a short time and then submerging them in a cold water bath before freezing.)  I have made many mistakes and lost some food, but these mistakes teach me how to do it better the next time.  I'm hoping to have enough vegetables in the freezer this year so I don't have to buy any at the store this winter.

Fourth - Try not to compare the prices with supermarket prices. 
It is very tempting at first to look at the prices of the food at the farmer's market and turn away because it is cheaper at the local big-box store.  However, please remember, this is not the same food.  Those tomatoes may look similar to the ones at your grocery store, but they are, in fact, very different.  They have measurably more nutrients.  They have not been bred for tough skins to allow cross-country transport.  They are fresh and they were picked already ripe.  They are not covered in harmful chemicals.  They were planted and raised by someone in your own community.  They are delicious!!  They are, indeed, worth the cost.

Fifth - Talk to the vendors and try something new.
At the farmer's market you have the opportunity to talk to the people who raised your food.  You can ask them any questions you have.  You can thank them for taking the effort to keep this food system alive.  Then you can pick up an unfamiliar vegetable and ask them what it's called and how to cook it.  You won't get that at the grocery store.

As you can tell, I love the farmer's market! 

OA- I'm Not in Charge of the World - Thank Goodness

Step two - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step three - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I've been listening to a podcast step study and reading the AA Big Book to solidify my recommitment to the program.  In the Chapter called "How it Works" I found myself:

"..any life run on self-will can hardly be a success."

That sounds reasonable.  Not too many people hold up selfishness as a positive attribute.   Not many of us claim to be selfish, but...

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show... if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great.  Everybody, including himself, would be pleased.  Life would be wonderful... "

 Ouch - how many of us think life would be better if only people would listen to us?

"What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well.  He begins to think life does not treat him right."

That sounds like my favorite complaint - It's not fair!!!

 "He decides to exert himself more."

  Me - I just have to work harder.

"He becomes... more demanding or gracious... Still the play does not suit him... He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying... a producer of confusion rather than harmony...sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave..."

So - yeah that pretty much sounds like my pity-party depression episodes. =(

So the real problem is "self-will run riot, though he usually does not think so."

I have been so busy trying to keep things running smoothly at work and at church that I did not realize the "I" was the problem.  I'm not responsible or capable to run the world.  I don't get to hold the reigns unless I want to crash. (and I have been crashing) 

So - what is the solution? 

"Above everything, we alcoholics (Me- dare I say, we humans) must be rid of this selfishness..."

How?

"God makes that possible... we had to quit playing God... in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director... He is the Father and we are His children.."

So when I am tied up in knots trying to please everyone and do everything that needs doing, I am trying to be in control  I am the director of my play.  It's about what I want.  I'm being selfish.  Big ouch.

Does that mean I don't do anything?  Nope - "We had a new Employer.  Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well."  My job is to stay close to the creator and do His will and His work, not mine.  Not my "little plans and designs" but instead "contribute to life". 

Giving my will and my plans over to God is the "triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom". 

So - I can have freedom and peace and purpose.  All I have to do is resign as the Queen of  the World? 

 I'm in -God, teach me to surrender each and every situation to you.  Help me to do your will and let go of the results.  Help me to remember You are in charge of the world.  I am only a servant - thank goodness.

OA - Starting Over

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addictions - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I recently came to a place where I needed to ask some hard questions about what did and did not belong in my life.  I was running too fast and trying to 'fix' everything.  Of course, it wasn't working out too well.  Depression was taking over and I was having other stress-related health problems. 

On advice from my counselor, I cleared my schedule and spent some time alone to decide what was really important to me.  I cut back on some of my commitments at work and at church.  I decided to focus more on my family and listening to God. 

During this time, I began to question my relationship with food.  I was avoiding certain foods and going to meetings but still starting to gain weight.  It just wasn't working for me anymore so I decided to quit.  I didn't know what to do so I abandoned my food rules.  It was not an emotional giving in to cravings, it was a calm decision to go back.  Maybe I was not an addict.  Maybe this was no longer the plan for me.  I had to find out.

Well, it only took a few days before I was eating handfuls of candy every time I walked through the kitchen, half a bag of cookies for snack, and two sundaes a day.  I also had a constant stomach ache and continual cravings for more.  OK maybe I did have the allergy of the body and the compulsion of the mind.  Maybe I really was an addict. 

I began to think about if and when I would be ready to 'quit'.  Realizing that I could not control food was step one but returning to the program would be a full commitment.  About that time a friend/mentor texted me to see if I would be coming back to the recovery meeting that week.  I told him what was going on with me.  He asked me what I had learned and what I was going to do about it.  That was what I needed at that moment - not a shoulder to cry on but someone to ask the tough question and help me face reality.  That night I had one last bowl of ice cream and the next morning I began a new day one.  I still felt sick and draggy.  I had no desire for food (totally strange for me)  It was almost my own version of a hang over.  I'm pretty sure my friend was praying for me. 

Four days later I returned to my weekly recovery meeting.  (It's a Christian 12-step group for people with various addictions.)  I told them my story.  They gave me love, support, and advice.  I like the person I am when I am there and I am honored to have such amazing people in my life to share my journey.  It's good to be home. 

The Future is Uncertain

     The day before yesterday I went to the doctor.  My knee has been hurting off and on for months.  I was afraid I was going to need surgery and/or physical therapy.  Instead I got a diagnosis of osteo arthritis.

     This hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.  I've been expecting this conversation all of my adult life.  My mom and my uncle were both disabled with arthritis.  My mom started using a wheelchair in her late 30s and my uncle before then.  I guess at 45 I hoped I had eluded the family curse.  I should have know better.  It runs rampit in my mom's side of the family and even makes appearances on my dad's side. 

     So - no surgery, no PT, and ...  no cure.

     There are things I can do to limit the impact of the deterioration in my joints.  I can eat foods that lower inflammation (colorful fruits and vegetables).  I can exercise (oh boy) to strengthen the muscles around the joints, and I can lose weight.  Yeah, that sounds easy. (sarcasm) I guess there is nothing in my life that is not related back to my issues with food. 

     Before I can fight this thing I have to deal with the emotional impact.  I have to be honest.

     I am afraid .... I don't want to be on a cane in a few years.  I don't want to be confined to a wheelchair.  (I know many people who live amazing, full and successful lives this way, but I also know how hard it is.)  I don't want my girls to watch me losing mobility and losing the ability to participate in their activities because my body won't let me.  I don't want to be in pain every day.

     Then there is the fact that my best chance to fight this thing lies in areas where I am weak - healthy food and exercise. 

     Still, this morning I woke with a peaceful spirit.  I was reminded of an old hymn I love.  To paraphrase it says, 'I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future and I know who holds my hand.'  There is no certainty that this disease will cripple me.  It could stabilize and be simply a chronic irritation.  Even if it puts me in a chair, I can still watch my girls grow up and cheer them on.  God has a plan for me and nothing can change that.    

     Uncle Arthur as my mom used to call it, has made an appearance in my life and he's not going away.  That first night as I was falling asleep I envisioned an ugly, angry monster attacking.  Then I envisioned a hand stroking the monster and soothing it.  In the end it was a funny looking character just sort of looking up at me. 

     I can't make this go away, but I can do what it takes to minimize the effects, and I can live my life to the fullest each and every day.

y Story of Healing from Food Addiction and Depression

My name is Jackie and I am a Compulsive Overeater and a recovering food addict.  I am also a semi-recovered perfectionist and control freak.  I have a long history of clinical depression.  Most importantly, I am a child of God who is in the process of healing.

I was born into a troubled marriage - sort of the 'child will fix it' kind of thing.  I learned early to hide my emotions and not cause trouble.  My parents eventually divorced.  They were civil to each other and I got to spend time with both of them.  However, they had very different views on life.  I spent most weekends arguing/debating with my dad about religion, money, and any other topic he and my mom disagreed about.  In retrospect, I think he was just trying to show me a different perspective, but at the time I just felt criticized and rejected.  I began to believe that I could never do enough or be enough to earn his love. 

In school I excelled and enjoyed learning.  Here was one area of my life I could earn the gold stars I so desired.  If I worked hard enough I got validated and I could believe that I had value.  I don't know when this deformed belief that I was only loveable if people loved me started, but I cannot remember a time when I did not feel that way.  Consequently, I was a deep-seeded people pleaser.

I also do not remember when I first started turning to food for comfort.  I do remember being at my grandpa's house in the summers.  He was a loving, sweet man who doted on me.  He had a drawer in the refrigerator that was always filled with mini-candy bars and I was allowed to have some anytime I wanted.  Somehow his love and the candy got connected in my mind. 

I also remember how every year at Easter  I would take my basket to my room and eat until I was sick to my stomach.  These were my early binges.

Thankfully I was young when I dedicated my life to God.  This faith was a great comfort to me and gave me guiding principles for my life as well as an extended family to love and support me through the tough teen years.

Junior high was a nightmare.  I was the geeky, plain-looking, shy, clumsy girl all the boys loved to torture.  I did not seem to fit into any of the typical cliques.  I ended up with other kids who did not fit in.  I guess we were the misfits, but we were good for each other.  We clung together in the waves of teen angst and at least we were not alone.  I think I cried every day, but at least I had shoulders to lean on. 

High school and college were better.  I found friends who drew me out of my protective shell.  I continued to wrongly blame all my 'issues' on my father and on a tough move my third grade year that resulted in changing schools and losing many friends.  It was not until college that I began to take responsibility for my own choices and direct my own life.  I finally began to realize that I could not change the past, but I was in charge of the future.

I married the weekend after college graduation.  One year later we moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity.  My entire life, my mom had been my rock, my cheerleader, my best friend.  Moving away from her was the hardest thing I had ever done.  Living in a very isolated area with a new job and a new marriage that were not living up to my perfectionistic expectations made it more difficult.  Until then I had been able to control my weight.  I was a little heavy and I sought comfort from food, but I could abstain and diet long enough to keep it down.  After the move things changed.  I indulged more and more and packed on pounds.  I went through my first major episode with depression.  It lasted off and on for years.  With medication and counseling I eventually got stabilized and my life resembled normal.  Still, my weight told the story of how much I was relying on food.

When my step-dad passed away we made plans to have her move in with us.  This new family, including our one and a half year old daughter, relocated together.  We came to a family-friendly town that was not nearly so remote.  We found a great church family and good jobs.  Things were calm for awhile.  One down-side was that my mom and I were binge buddies.  We gave each other permission to eat however we wanted without hiding or feeling judged.  I think we both gained weight.

Then she got sick - very sick.  My mom was disabled and had various chronic illnesses, but nothing life-threatening until then.  We lost her very quickly to a colon infection that poisoned her body.  In just a few months my world shut down.  At first all I could do was hide in my house and hold my children or cry with my husband.  We did bond in a new way as we clung to each other, but I also sunk into the darkest depression ever.  I moved through life in slow motion with no life in me.  I felt my very heart was gone.  What else could I do but wrap my pain up in food and hide beneath the covers?  For four years I didn't really function. There were bright moments, mostly involving my kids, but even those could not part the clouds for long.  I was blessed with friends and family who cared, but still I mourned in my dark place alone.

It was my girls that saved me.  I realized that I was not enjoying them the way I wanted to.  I was not feeling the brightness that their sweet faces deserved.  I went to the doctor and I went to counseling.  I wanted to live my life again. 

God blessed me with an amazing counselor.  We worked through all the painful memories of my life.  I was able to uncover the lies that I was believing that were destroying me.  I began to see that I had value all by myself.  I began to like me. 

The depression had to be dealt with before the food.  I could not let go of my best coping strategy until I had other tools to live my life.  Skipping ahead for just a moment - I am thankful that I had food as my crutch.  I never turned to more drastic forms of self-harm.  Food solved my problems until it became the problem.  It could have been so much worse.

Finally my depression was in remission. (I don't say healed, because it still raises it's head occasionally.  Thankfully, now I have strategies to get through an episode and diffuse it.)  I was ready to face my issues with food.  I was ready for Overeater's Anonymous.

I have written in this blog about my experiences with the twelve steps of recovery so I will just summarize here.  OA taught me to dig out the reasons I was binging on sugar.  I was gently guided through a process of looking at my fears and resentments and learning to accept life as it is.  I learned to surrender my crutch and lean on God.  I learned to let go of the food and grab onto life.  Life isn't always easy but living it is so much better than hiding.  I'm not afraid of my own emotions or those of other people (most of the time anyway.)  I'm not angry and blaming other people for my own character defects.  I had to let go of my trigger foods.  I had to surrender my will.  In return I received peace and joy and compassion as well as meeting so many amazing people on similar journeys.  Now I know how to feel my feelings, how to ask for help, and how to forgive.

I am learning how to live.

Back on Track

I am amazed that it has been months since I wrote a blog post.  How easily good habits get lost.  I imagine it is no coincidence that this same time span of over four months has been a time of slowly gaining weight and letting my house slip into disaster.  I seem to have an all-or-nothing pattern.  Now it's time to get back on track - back to the things that are important to me. 

I wrote some goals recently as part of a minimalism class I am taking.  I want to be healthy. I want to be generous and spend my time serving others.  I want to write a book. I believe continuing to simplify my life, my house, and even my food will help me reach these goals.  Joshua Becker says that cleaning up your house and reducing your belongings is only the beginning of the journey.  It is a tool to allow you the space (physical and mental) to pursue the things that are important to you.  It is part of the journey, but certainly not the destination.

I want to clear out more of the junk in my life to make room for the plans God has for me and my family.  This might include hospitality, compassionate ministry, and more time together.

Clearing out the junk is an appropriate metaphor for the work I need to do with my food addiction as well.   I get complacent and comfortable and don't press on toward the goal.  Health and freedom from obsession are the goals but weight loss is the signpost that lets me know I'm headed in a positive direction.  It's time to work the steps, surrender my will and search out God's path.  I'm afraid that is going to mean exercise.  The E word.  I have not trained this temple God gave me very well.  It is weak and unfit.  I despise exercise.  Any excuse will do to avoid it.  I am stubborn and adamant in my refusal.  It's time to start letting God have control of this area.  Oh boy...

Are we there yet?

     It's that classic kid's question on long trips - Are we there yet?  The answer is usually, "not even close".  The same seems to be true in the journey of life.  This blog has looked at many areas of my life - decluttering, Overeater's Anonymous, consumerism, health, creation care, cleaning, ministry, cooking, and poverty.  I have made positive changes in so many ways, but some days I sit in my messy, crowded house after looking at the scale that says I gained a couple pounds, and decide to eat a sugary, chemical-laden snack off a paper plate and wonder if I have accomplished anything.

    I know I'm not alone in this.  My daughter asked me one day when I would be done organizing the house.  It was funny at the time.  I told her this was an ongoing project that might never end, but things would gradually get better and better.  A week or so later I could hardly walk through the living room.  Ugh. 

    I try to embrace the OA concept of "progress not perfection".  Every step forward is a blessing and a victory.  I'm not perfect, but I eat more vegetables than I used to.  I use less disposable items and recycle when I can.  I buy more things used, and less things overall.  I am a work in progress.

 

The 7 Experiment month one - food

Well, my newest obsession revolves around a book (big surprise).  It's called The 7 Experiment by Jen Hatmaker.  My friend introduced it to me with the sentence - "You have to read this, it's so you."  All I had to do is read the back and I was hooked.  This author looked at seven areas of excess in her life and pared them down to the essentials.  Most of the areas were the same ones I've been making changes to in my own life - food, clothing, possessions, media, waste, spending, and stress.

In my life (somewhat documented in my story, Journey of 100 Bags) I made gradual, sustainable changes in various areas.  Jen Hatmaker took it to the extreme.  She considered each section a fast and her goal was for God's kingdom to break through in her life. 

For the first month she ate only seven foods - chicken, eggs, whole wheat bread, sweet potatoes, spinach, avocados, and apples.  She examined the Western diet and discovered how it is making us sick and fat.  She explored the ideas of whole food, organic, local food, and industrial agriculture.  She looked at how much food we waste as well as what God has to say in the Bible about food and our bodies.  She looked at the world around her and how so many are starving while a few are so indulged. 

I was challenged and excited.  I tried a water fast for one meal - yep just 1 meal.  I was miserable.  I felt weak and hungry and irritated.  I learned that fasting knocks me off center, shakes me up and reveals my character flaws.  It's not fun. 

Then I decided to follow one of Jen's suggestions and fasted from seven foods in my ordinary diet.  This was easier than the water fast, but it still got old fast.  I was not entirely successful.  One particularly stressful day I came home and ate cinnamon rolls.  These are not one of my trigger/binge foods, but they are a treat and one of the seven foods I chose to fast from.  I learned that I still turn to food for comfort.  One day my daughter drank the last of my unsweetened tea.  I snapped at her.  I was tired of drinking tea with no sugar to start with, but if it ran out I only had water.  I was embarrassed to see that a drink was that important to me.  Another day I was again bemoaning my lack of sweet tea when I looked at my glass of water and decided to be grateful.  I was thankful that I live in a country with pure water and that I can even afford to buy bottled water if I want to.  I learned that my life is full of blessings that often go unrecognized.

Food month was hard.  That means I need to do it again sometime.   I have more to learn... but this month is clothes. Bring on the next adventure.

OA -Step 10 - the journey continues

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

I would rephrase this step as 'repeat the above as necessary'.  It would be nice if, once our lives were cleaned up, they stayed cleaned up.  However, life is not like that.  We continue to face challenges, make mistakes, and unearth new character defects.  So, we continue to need the process outlined by the 12 steps. 

When I feel discontent in my spirit, or bursts of anger, or sudden sadness, I know it's time to revisit the steps.  I admit I have problems I can't solve on my own. (1) I turn to the God who is able to heal me (2) and ask for His help (3).  Then I look for where I have muddied the waters. Have I allowed fear or resentment to enter my life?  Have I allowed old character defects to return? (4)  I confess my sinful attitudes and actions to God, myself, and a trusted confidant. (5)  I choose to let go of the ugliness that is marring my spirit. (6)  I ask God to remove it. (7) Then I check to see who I have hurt in the process and make amends to them in whatever way seems best. (8-9) 

Sometimes  this process takes hours, sometimes just a few minutes.  I know it is done when peace returns to my spirit.

Today I found myself feeling depressed and angry.  I was growling at people and situations that really should have only been small irritations.  I knew there was something amiss in my spirit.  I didn't exactly go through the steps in order.  First I sought counsel from a friend which is one of the 12 step tools.  Then I cried out to God about something I felt was unjust.  That is when I realized that I was mad because people and situations were not playing out the way I wanted them too.  This is a reoccurring theme with me.  My sponsor once pointed out that I seem to want to be in charge of the world and I selfishly try to put my will on others. Ouch.  OK I did it again (with the best intentions for a good outcome, but still selfish).  God spoke to my spirit that sometimes I need to wait for doors to open instead of banging against them.  I humbly admitted that He is in charge, not me and I will wait for His timing.  You see, I tend to rush - in life, at church, at school.  I get an idea and run with it.  God is teaching me to wait for Him to get other people ready too.  That will be my living amends.

Step 10 is powerful because steps 1-9 are powerful and worth repeating often.

OA - Steps 8 and 9 - Amends

A friend was talking today about how in the Bible miracles didn't just happen.  God often required people to do something first and/or to use what they had at hand before the miracle occurred.  That reminded me of my OA journey.  It has been miraculous healing and it has been a lot of hard work.

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 

Once you search your soul for character defects and harmful behaviors in step 4 and ask your higher power to remove them in step 7 you are ready to live life with different rules, better coping strategies, and more peaceful results.  However, you still have the mess of the past to clean up.  Some religions call this penance, I just think of it as making things right. 

Some names came to mind right away.  I knew who I had hurt and how.  Others were more hidden.  As I had analyzed my past with my sponsor in step 5, I discovered that very often hidden in my resentments, hurts, and fears were my own wrongs.  Human beings often hurt others when they themselves are hurt.  I learned that it didn't matter who started it or who did more damage, I was still responsible to clean up my side of the street.  I was also responsible for the choice to hang on to un-forgiveness and pain and letting it corrupt my life. 

For me this step was a process.  There were some names on the list I was willing to reconcile with right away.  Going through the process gave me the strength to tackle other names that were not so 'easy'.

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. 

My first amends was to a former college roommate whom I felt I had treated unkindly.  I found her through social media and sent a letter of apology.  She wrote back and thanked me and included her own apology.  It was an amazing moment of healing.  We both felt honored and validated.  It was a precious experience. 

Not all amends are this easy or productive.  The people you approach may not be ready to accept your repentance or to forgive you in kind.  They may not even want to talk to you.  It's not about that.  It's about doing the right thing for the right reason and leaving the results up to God.

There are a few types of amends.  First is the direct amends - an apology or possibly financial reparation.  This can be done face-to-face or in a letter. It is important no to mention anything the other person did to you.  This is only about asking forgiveness for your actions.

Another type of amends is indirect.  This involves situations where the person has passed away.  Many people find healing by writing a letter and taking it to the graveside or burning it.

Lastly, there are living amends.  This is where you live the apology.  Some situations are too tricky or the person involved would actually be hurt by your revelation.  It is your job to live out the changes in behavior that will show them your apology.  In a way all amends should be followed up with living amends.  Otherwise the words are hollow and meaningless.

So - what does all this have to do with food, or drinking, or any other addiction?

The Big Book of AA says that if we do not rid ourselves of the character defects that cause self-seeking behaviors and cause us to harm ourselves and others we will return to our drug of choice.

For me this means, I cannot afford to bury my feelings and my selfish behaviors if I want to live a healthy , happy, free life.  The road to peace is the road of repentance and restoration. 

I've lived on the other side - enesticized by food and afraid of life.  This way is so much better!

Cooking failures

Grr.... cooking should not be so hard.  You follow a recipe and you get the result.  That's how I remember it back before I started relying on so much processed food. 

I do not remember falling on my face over and over and wasting food by creating failures.  However, maybe that is part of why I quit in the first place.  Maybe I just blocked the flops out of my mind.

Today I sliced my thumb grating carrots for cole slaw.  I got a giant head of cabbage in the last co-op basket.  Despite the fact that I did not have the right spices (realizing my spice collection is seriously lacking) it turned out basically the way I remember it.  However, I didn't want to use the whole head of cabbage because it would go bad long before I ate it.  A friend suggested a frozen slaw recipe.  I found one that used things I had on hand (except for spices I thought I had).  I had to boil  vinegar, sugar concoction. It started to boil and before I could reach the burner control to turn it down, the mess erupted all over my stove.  The smell of 'candied vinegar' burning on the stove was horrendous.  It might also be permanently attached to the stovetop.  All this for a dish I may not even like.

Two days ago I made chocolate banana bread that turned out well, but last week I made blueberry muffins that were burnt and greasy.  The pre-made or even box mix ones never have that problem. =s

As with so many things in my life, I am just not great at this.  I am ok, sometimes, and I can improve, but I don't think I'll ever be good at it.  That leaves me fighting the temptation to quit. 

Change is not easy.

Eating and Traveling

I've been making many efforts to eat healthier- more veggies, less processed food, more water, etc.  Things are going pretty well at least at home.

I took two trips recently and that was a whole different matter.

First of all restaurant portions are out of control. I tried to eat half of what was on my plate and was most often stuffed (and feeling guilty for wasting food.)

Also it is way too easy to avoid vegetables when eating out. At one meal I looked at the table and realized no one in the group had anything green on their plates. It wasn't a conscious decision, we just ordered what sounded good. It was nearly impossible to order a meal with two veggies without adding a side dish.

However, I didn't do much better when I was in control of my food. I found myself in the car for four hours with all processed food. Why hadn't I filled a cooler with cut veggies or made homemade granola?

The problem is real food takes planning and I'm not used to that yet.

Thankfully the pounds I gained each time came off quickly and each mistake I make gives me information to do better next time.

OA - Steps 5, 6, and 7

Back to my Overeater's Anonymous journey.  After making the searching and fearless moral inventory in step 4, it was time to share it and allow God to heal my character defects.

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

I approached step five with some trepidation.  I had been thorough and truthful in my inventory and I was not sure I could share it with another person.  You see, I have always believed that if people really knew me they would reject me.  Some in my life already had.  Still, I had already seen and felt the healing that comes from this journey and I knew I needed more.  Because my sponsor was not local, we did the inventory electronically.  I was able to tell her things one at a time and discuss them before moving on to the next item.  I started little and built up trust.  I learned that my sponsor had the gift of wisdom.  She often saw things I did not and was able to unearth further character defects.  I'll never forget the day she told me I was selfish.   I was so angry.  I thought 'you don't know me.  I'm a kind person.'  Then I looked at her evidence and had to admit she was right. I was trying to run the world and angry when people didn't do things my way (since I always knew best).  I was selfish.  Her vision and wisdom where a gift.  More than that, though, her love was a gift.  You see, when you give your step five to someone who understands the program they give you the gift of loving acceptance.  Nothing I could say drove her away.  Instead she put her cyber-arm around me and told me we all had these issues and we were all on the path to getting them healed.  We are in this together.  That is the strength of the program.

Step six involves deciding if I was ready to get rid of all this spiritual sludge in my life.  Sometimes this is difficult.  We know that the way we are facing life is causing us pain.  It isn't working, but it is comfortable and familiar.  It may have even served us in the past as coping strategies for traumatic circumstances.  Facing the unknown and doing something new can be scary.  I had the gift of desperation.  I knew the path I was on was self-destructive.  I had to try a different way. 

Step 7 involves praying for God to do something we can never do ourselves - to remove our character defects.  Here is the prayer OA offers:

My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good or bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.  Grant me the strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.  Amen

I did not immediately become perfect when I prayed this prayer.  I spent time praying over each defect/sin I had uncovered.  I spent time talking to my sponsor about different ways to cope with situations in my life.  Growth and change are a process.  I still stumble, I still hurt people, I still hold grudges, but I admit and change a lot faster.  I apologize sooner, and as a result....

I walk in so much joy and peace, it is hard to imagine I ever carried all that junk around.

Wishing you joy in the journey - Jaki

I ate an artichoke - sort of.

Well food adventures continue.  Two weeks ago I bought an artichoke at the famer's market.  I asked friends what in the world I should do with it.  Then I got scared and let it sit on my counter looking interesting.  (Little did I know it should have been refrigerated)  My fear lasted longer than the poor veggie.  It dried up and found it's final destiny in the trash can. =(

Out of guilt I got another one (actually two the farm guy gave me a 2 for 1 deal).  This time I put them in the fridge, and today I got up my nerve to eat one.  I boiled it as advised and prepared a few dipping choices - butter, mayo, and a salad dressing I like.  I pulled off a 'leaf' as instructed and scraped the innards out with my teeth. Somehow I was not ready for how tiny this edible morsel was.  It seemed like almost a waste- all that 'handle' part and a speck of food.  Also, it was a little annoying to work so hard for such a tiny speck of food.  I was glad that it wasn't mushy or disgusting.  I didn't mind the taste - pretty mild actually. 

Eventually I gave up on the leaves and decided to go for the heart.  I kept pulling off the leaves as instructed.  They got smaller and softer.  Eventually I ran into a bunch of fuzzy stuff.  Too late I realized I had dismantled the heart instead of eating it.  At least, I think that's what happened. 

So - I think I failed at eating artichoke, but I did face my fear and try something new.  That is a victory.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with the remaining artichoke.  (My daughter, Stephanie, recommends feeding it to the guinea pigs.)

OA - Step 4 - where the work begins

A lot of people settle in with steps 1-3.  They become comfortable with the ideas that we have a problem and we have a Higher Power who can solve it.  However, that solution does not come without work.  That is where step 4 comes in.

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

To me addiction is like an iceberg.  The part we see is the actual action (be it binging, drinking, gambling, etc.)  The unseen part of the iceberg represents all the reasons we indulge in our chosen addiction.  My trouble with food rested on many underlying causes and these had to be rooted out and dealt with in order to find healing.

The process recommended by OA looks at a couple areas. I'm going to discuss two of these.  First I analyzed my resentments.  I listed everything that made me angry.  It was a long list.  Most of my life I have been a pretty calm person, but when I 'put down the food' I was flooded with ugly emotions.  It was like PMS on steroids!  People explained to me that this was a result of all my undealt with emotions bubbling up.  I had bought peace with food for so many years and all those pains wanted a turn to get some attention.  So, I listed each person, situation, and anything else that upset me.  Then I analyzed why it made me angry and how it hurt me.  Lastly, I had to admit where I had been to blame in each situation.  Had I been selfish, dishonest, frightened, or inconsiderate?  As I learned, even when I was the victim, I usually had some negative response that had only served to make the situation worse.  I had to own up to my part of my own pain. 

For example, I was angry at my children because they were arguing and bossy at times and they didn't listen to what I told them to do.  I realized that I was allowing their very normal behavior to make me feel like a failure as a parent.  I thought they were making me look bad.  I was afraid they would turn out to be terrible people and it would be all my fault.  So, where was I to blame?  First of all I was indulging in perfectionism.  I was holding them and myself to unreasonable expectations.  Also, I was allowing myself to worry.  These are both self-damaging behaviors. 

In other situations where I was angry at someone I felt had deliberately treated me wrongly I found the resentment prayer to be helpful.  "(name) is spiritually sick.  God, please help me show the same tolerance, pity, and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend."  I was reminded that 'hurt people hurt people'.  If I could feel pity and compassion for someone who hurt me, it usually washed away the anger and paved the road for forgiveness.

The second big area to look at is fears.  I was instructed to list anything I was fearful about.  At first this confused me because I thought fear was a natural human response, not something to be rid of.  Eventually I realized that the danger of fear is that it keeps us from faith and action and leads to worry.  After listing the fears, I looked at why I had each fear and how it was affecting me.  I admitted that I was trusting myself instead of trusting God.  I prayed the fear prayer for each individual situation: "God please remove my fear of _______ and direct my attention towards what you would have me to be."  Fear turns our vision inward toward our own problems.  We need God to turn our vision back to him and toward our fellow man so the final step is to look at what God would have us be. 

Example - This year I had a fear of losing my job.  (This was not random.  There were things happening that made my position unstable.)  The 'why' of this fear was that I was afraid of financial ruin and I was basing my reputation/value on my job performance.  Also, I was afraid of being a failure as a teacher.  I prayed the fear prayer and looked for what God wanted me to be.  I realized that fear and worry would not help me keep my job.  I could apply the serenity prayer by making improvements in my classroom and then putting the future in God's hands.  I decided that if I should loose my job, then I would trust God to provide our needs in another way.

Some people find step 4 daunting.  In fact, many people turn away from OA at this point.  It's not easy to face your inner demons.  For me, step 4 was an intriguing journey of self-discovery.  It was not easy or fun, but it was interesting and it gave me a taste of the healing and freedom this journey promises. 

To anyone beginning this step I encourage you to press on at all costs.  The best is yet to come!

Meltdown at Walmart

Two weeks ago I had a melt-down at Walmart:

I am a recovering perfectionist. I am also idealistic. In my endeavor to eat better, create less trash, and be frugal I have been trying to eliminate single-serve, individually wrapped items from my grocery list. So, I took my daughter to the cracker isle to see if she could pick a replacement for the cracker sandwiches I had been putting in her lunch.  We compared prices, we looked at flavors, and we debated things that were actually cookies not crackers. Half an hour later I realized the crackers we had been buying were cheaper and the plastic wrapping took up almost no space at all.  If my daughter does not like the crackers we bought, they may end up in the trash anyway. Overall, it was a lose/lose situation. I felt like my goals were at odds with each other and went to bed frustrated. The next morning I came to the conclusion that I can only do the best I can do. I have had many victories in this journey. I don’t have to be perfect. Sometimes it’s best to do what works; sometimes it’s best to buy the chemical-laden, plastic-wrapped, yummy crackers.