Dear John Letter to my Excess Stuff

I like challenges and experiments. They seem to motivate me to move forward on various goals.  So, I was listening to a video by Courtney Carver today that was part of her 21 day Declutter Challenge.  She recommended writing a goodbye letter to your stuff.  I've never heard this idea before and I probably should have done it years ago, but here goes....

Dear excess stuff,

We've had a long relationship.  Growing up I had a small bedroom and it was pretty full.  I especially loved my stuffed animal collection.  As an only child the animals served as my friends and confidants.  My parents did not have a lot of money but they spoiled me at Christmas.  It was an expression of love.  I also saved much of my school work as proof of my accomplishments.  So, I guess you, my stuff, represented love and accomplishment.

During the early years of marriage, I went through my first episode of depression.  I was in a very isolated environment and my husband and I both turned to acquiring things to fill a void.  (I also turned to food but that's another story.)  We collected movies, books, crafts, electronics, and much more.  It filled our free time but not so much the loneliness.

Years later, I looked around our house and felt like I could not breathe.  See, even as much friendship, love, and pride as you had given me over the years, it had slowly turned to suffocation.  I was buried under piles that no longer gave me joy.  I could not share my home with my friends because it was embarrassing.  I spent way too much time looking for, taking care of, shifting, organizing, and buying more stuff.

So, I began to dig myself out from under your cover.  I gathered the first bag of things that I was no longer using.  I sent it to a thrift store and got a huge surprise.  It gave me great joy to know that you, my stuff, were going to go to live with other people who needed you and would find uses for you.  Instead of sitting idle in my house, you would be helping someone else. 

Also, I discovered that the more excess I cleared out, the more useful space I found.  My house felt clearer and more peaceful.  I began to find new priorities in my life that I did not have room for before. 

So, thank you for serving me so well, but now it's time for me to send you on a new journey as I continue mine. 

Don't Rob People of Their Problems

Several years ago a counselor told me that I had all the knowledge and resources I needed to solve any problem in my life.  In my mind, I was thinking "If that were true, I wouldn't be here."  Years later, though, I began to realize the truth in his words.  I wasn't paying him to solve my problems, I was there to learn the tools that would allow my to do it myself.   

Nowadays, I have lots of coping strategies for analyzing my own issues and facing life's problems head on, but I still have a major issue with trying to fix other people and situations.  I hate to see anyone in emotional or physical pain.  I rush in and do whatever I can to rescue them.  However, often times I do not have all the facts and my solutions are ineffective.

For example, there is a wonderful family that I know through church and school that was in deep crisis last year.  There were mental health problems, financial need, and academic issues.  I was able through my position at school to get the teenager on homebound services, but he still was unsuccessful.  I tried various other strategies and sought out community support services.  The husband was working two jobs and I feared for his health.  Nothing seemed to be working.  Eventually the husband got a third job doing something he loved.   I could not believe it but adding something to his already heavy schedule did the trick.  His emotional state improved because he had an enjoyable escape which allowed their finances to begin to improve as well.  Later we found a tutor who bonded with the son and he ended the year with two A's.  All of my striving and worrying was fruitless, but the right solution (one I never would have considered) came from the people themselves.

Other times my solution may seem to work, but it creates other unwanted consequences.  For instance, I might walk through the living room and pick up a few toys or socks so that my husband doesn't reprimand the children.  (I hate conflict.)  This solves the immediate problem, but does not teach my kids to be responsible.  Also, they do not have to face the consequences of their actions.  This gives them no reason to solve the problem themselves.

Here is another example - a coworker sees that you are not doing your job effectively.  He knows from experience that this will cause problems for you and for the company in the future.  He may or may not try to give you guidance.  Eventually, he jumps in and does the job for you.  By fixing the problem, he doubles his own work and assures that you never see the natural consequences of your mistakes.  Thus you see no need to change your behavior or, worse yet, you expect him to always bail you out.

For me, it comes down to boundaries and choices.  I want to give people tools to solve their problems like my counselor did for me.  I want to share my experiences and advice if it applies.  However, I do not want to rescue people any more.  I can't neglect my responsibilities to take over what someone else is capable of doing for themselves.  Besides, I have plenty of my own issues to keep my busy. =p

Simplicity has Layers

    I joined a cyber-class a few weeks ago on decluttering and minimalism.  It's led by Joshua Becker and the primary theme is eliminating things that are useless and distracting from your life so you can focus on what is truly important.

    So, I'm going through my house again looking for more items to get rid of.  I will soon have to rename my book - The Journey of 200 Bags.  As I revisit each room emptying every cabinet and drawer and physically touching all of my possessions, I still find a few things I don't even remember owning.  I also find things I bought to try out but they no longer serve me. (I'm talking about you, corn stripper.)  These easily go in the donate pile.  I also find various collections of items that I set aside last time when I was not quite ready to let them go.  Many of these now hold no emotional value or usability now.  Time has proved I am ready to let them go.  Some other items have been set aside again, put on probation a second time.  I am beginning to see that this is a journey.  Each time I go through the process I peal back another layer.  I dig a little deeper and find new value in the process. 

    The other day my husband, seeing me fill up another bag from the kitchen, asked if I was giving more things away.  It was sort of like the time my child asked me when I would be done organizing the house.  The answer is yes, I am still finding things in my home that hold no value for me but might serve someone else quite well.  I am still finding great joy in giving away my excess to help others.  I am still learning to let go.  I am still finding peace in the space and order that is created.  I am still moving forward. 

Feeling Enlightened

I  currently listening to this amazing audiobook called Essentialism by Greg McKeown.  It fits in with my journey of less - less stuff, less junk food, less waste, less stress and it is fine tuning some of my ideas. 

He talks about how most of us spend our lives focusing on and working on so many different and sometimes unimportant things.  We do not define and focus on the 'vital few'.  Like most minimalists, he espouses ridding your life of all the extraneous junk so you can truly 'go big' on the important dreams. 

What's different is that he does not start with decluttering your house but with defining your focus.  Now I have never been a fan of mission statements.  They always seem boring, fluffy and a waste of time.  McKeown, however, talks about establishing your essential intent.  What is it in life you are passionate about, have a talent for, and meets a need in the world?  Then filter all opportunities, tasks, and requests through that screen.  There will be tradeoffs but this will allow you to let go of the trivial many and embrace the vital few. 

So - what does this look like and why am I so excited about it?

At work this year I have carried some resentments about jobs I was doing that I felt where not my responsibility but were not getting done if I didn't do them.  Then there were tons of time-consuming things that seemed meaningless and actually kept me from teaching.  Then there were things I ignored but felt guilty about. 

While reading this book, I asked myself - what is my purpose here?  What do I want to accomplish?  My answer is that I want to empower students to graduate.  Then I started looking at everything I do at work and asking whether it directly affected a student's ability to graduate.  Lots of my tasks do fit directly into that goal.  Those I can feel good about giving my time and energy too whether or not they are in my job description.  I can choose to do them rather than feeling put upon.  Lots of tasks do not fit that direction.  Some are not part of my talents or my passion.  Those should be given to people who better fit that need.  Some are someone else's job and I don't need to rescue them from their responsibilities.  Some are just dumb and should be minimized or eliminated. 

This shift in perspective is so empowering.  I feel lighter.  I feel permission to be true to myself and my calling.  I feel an excitement about next school year that usually does not come until after weeks of summer rest.  It is amazing! 

Does our wealth still separate us?

In my devotions today I read a familiar story.  Abraham and Lot were traveling together as God led them to the 'new land I will show you'. 

Then I got to Genesis 13:6 "But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together." NIV  They had to separate because the land would not support both their herds.  Their servants quarreled over who got to use the limited wells first.  They had to go their separate ways.

I never before realized how sad this was.  These two men were family.  They lived close to each other all their lives and now they might never see each other again... because they had too many possessions.  Wow.

So, I wonder, does wealth separate us today? 

I know I am uncomfortable visiting people who's houses are fancier (and cleaner) than mine.  I don't envy their pretty stuff but I also don't invite them over to see my humble abode.  That too is sad.  I am embracing a more simple life and I should be willingly sharing it instead of hiding and fearing someone else's opinion.

Most of the time I don't let someone else's poverty keep me from spending time with them or building a friendship.  However, I do know that most homeless people don't get many hugs.  I'm even a little hesitant to smile and wave if I'm not stopping to share food as if that's the only kindness they need. 

Then of course there are the folks who have very different ideas about how much people should be helping, ie. taking care of them and tend to be demanding in their requests.  I guess I tend to avoid them in order to avoid the inevitable conflict. 

So - wealth, or lack of it, does still separate us and it is sad.  Can we find ways to reach out a hand of friendship to people so very different than us?  What amazing new discoveries will we find when we do?

TKO

So, do you know what happens when you stand up and tell 164 people (the number who read my last post - amazing!) that you are going to make some positive changes in your life...

'Life' smacks you in the face - crisis at church, difficult co-worker, arguments with husband, children melt-downs, etc.  Ugh.

A friend told me recently that when life knocks you down, God is there to catch you.  I guess that means succumbing to anger, fear, and depression are not the best response - oops.

This morning I read about Gideon.  He was living in a time when God's people were oppressed by the Midionites.  He was threshing wheat and he was hiding to do it so the Midionites would not steal his harvest.  Life was not good - or was it.  He was doing a boring, everyday job in fear of losing his food and profit.  On the other hand, even in a time when God's people were being disciplined for disobeying him, a time when they were in rebellion, God made sure their needs were provided for. 

If I have learned anything through my years of food addiction and depression, it is that nothing is wasted in God's plan.  Every path we tread is preparation for the future adventures He has planned for us.  If I let Him, God will use every event in my life to shape me into the person He wants me to be. 

So - here I come Life.  I am going to chose to look at you differently.  That wheat I don't feel like threshing today is a blessing.  Lord, help me reframe each circumstance, seeing them through your eyes.  Help me be thankful for the life you give me.

Back on Track

I am amazed that it has been months since I wrote a blog post.  How easily good habits get lost.  I imagine it is no coincidence that this same time span of over four months has been a time of slowly gaining weight and letting my house slip into disaster.  I seem to have an all-or-nothing pattern.  Now it's time to get back on track - back to the things that are important to me. 

I wrote some goals recently as part of a minimalism class I am taking.  I want to be healthy. I want to be generous and spend my time serving others.  I want to write a book. I believe continuing to simplify my life, my house, and even my food will help me reach these goals.  Joshua Becker says that cleaning up your house and reducing your belongings is only the beginning of the journey.  It is a tool to allow you the space (physical and mental) to pursue the things that are important to you.  It is part of the journey, but certainly not the destination.

I want to clear out more of the junk in my life to make room for the plans God has for me and my family.  This might include hospitality, compassionate ministry, and more time together.

Clearing out the junk is an appropriate metaphor for the work I need to do with my food addiction as well.   I get complacent and comfortable and don't press on toward the goal.  Health and freedom from obsession are the goals but weight loss is the signpost that lets me know I'm headed in a positive direction.  It's time to work the steps, surrender my will and search out God's path.  I'm afraid that is going to mean exercise.  The E word.  I have not trained this temple God gave me very well.  It is weak and unfit.  I despise exercise.  Any excuse will do to avoid it.  I am stubborn and adamant in my refusal.  It's time to start letting God have control of this area.  Oh boy...